Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
