Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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