Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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