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• (443): View more from Maryland

  That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.

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• (818): View more from California

  Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

  (1-818): View more from California

  Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  how many servings is brandon's dick?

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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• (662): View more from Mississippi

  After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.

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• (650): View more from California

  You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

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• (574): View more from Indiana

  should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."

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• (785): View more from Kansas

  Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here

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• (425): View more from Washington

  You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.

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• (559): View more from California

  Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.

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• (415): View more from California

  I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great

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• (507): View more from Minnesota

  I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list

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