Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
