also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
