Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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