So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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