I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
