Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
