He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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