i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
