Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
