"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize