Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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