I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
