I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
