life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
