I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
