All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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