im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
