In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im part way to drunk.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
