guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
