I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
