That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
