I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
