He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize