I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
