I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
