Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
