wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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