On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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