dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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