When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
