At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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