I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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