she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
