Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
