Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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