I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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