I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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