textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
