I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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