God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
