All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You took a bar mat shot.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
