Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize