Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
