Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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