drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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