she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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