The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
