Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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