True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
