Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
