you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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