Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
