Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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