if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
